


make me feel again

by t_hens



Series: projects for people [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, Depression/Anxiety, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 18:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18349643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_hens/pseuds/t_hens
Summary: Dan takes a walk after an argument with Phil





	make me feel again

**Author's Note:**

> written for @brittlepml on tumblr
> 
> based off of [Molecules](https://open.spotify.com/track/61B0ZJUGohiLnnzCG9lKvR) by Hayley Kiyoko
> 
> beta by [fourthingsandawizard](http://fourthingsandawizard.tumblr.com)

It was raining. Not the delicate drops that signify spring, but heavy ones that left saucer-sized splatters on the pavement. He was starting to get soaked, but there was a tiny part of him that believed that he deserved this. He _should_ feel uncomfortable and miserable, because surely that would be payback for how terrible he was being to Phil.

They had fought again that morning. It was over nothing, really, just Phil scraping his dish over the bin and getting gunk everywhere. And he hadn’t tried clean it up or take out the trash, had just left it there for Dan to touch as he tried to clean up.

One second he had been fine, and the next he was storming into the lounge and shouting at Phil for being a slob. It was unnecessary and mean, and as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he regretted it, but he wasn’t going to tell Phil that, at least not right that second. He had pulled on the first jacket he could find, which ironically had been Phil’s, and stormed out of the flat.

He didn’t have a destination in mind, he just needed some air. That had been his new thing as of late: leaving the house in a huff and wandering the new and unfamiliar streets of London until he slunk back to their flat with his tail between his legs and an apology that didn’t justify his behavior.

No matter how many times he told himself, and Phil, that things would be different, they hadn’t been. They would fight, and he would leave and then apologize, and things would be okay for a few days until the next thing set him off for no reason.

There was a Boots open on the corner up ahead and he dipped inside, getting a reprieve from the torrential rain outside. He didn’t need to buy anything, but maybe there was something in the store that he could get Phil that would be a better apology than the words he’d mumbled to him countless times in the past few months. Phil deserved better, he really did. There was nothing about Dan that was good enough to justify how absolutely shitty he had been to Phil lately. Almost every day was filled with tense silences and cupboard doors slammed too hard.

Nothing about what was happening in Dan’s head was Phil’s fault, though it probably didn’t seem that way. There was just a dark cloud hanging over his head and he couldn’t stop the downpour of anger and confusion that he would get drenched in every morning. There were more eyes on him, and on Phil, than there had ever been; it was overwhelming, and not in the good way things used to be. Each day his subscriber count rose higher and higher, and with that came the scrutiny about what he was doing, and what he and Phil were doing together. 

Once upon a time, there had been fewer - although still plenty - of eyes on them, and Dan had loved it. It was the attention and validation he craved, and it was almost like a drug to him. Every view, every new subscriber, was just a tick in the box of things that Dan thought that he wanted. He and Phil had been flippant and reckless about their relationship, and with the way they let other people interpret it. Now there were hundreds of thousands of people speculating what they meant to each other, their relationship status, and even their sexual orientations.

And Dan didn’t even know what that was, if he was being honest with himself. There were no role models in his life when he was younger to teach him that being in love with a boy with a dyed emo fringe and kaleidoscope eyes was okay. Back when he was just a fan of Phil’s, he could imagine them running away together, letting themselves be together and let everyone see it. But the reality of it was a bit more daunting.

He had grabbed a basket when he had walked into the store, not wanting to raise any suspicion walking around the store empty handed, so he randomly picked up sweets and other tiny things, like more plasters and that nice woodsy soap that Phil liked. They wouldn’t solve anything, but going back with something sweet and thoughtful would probably score him some points.

Not paying attention to where his feet took him, he ended up standing in front of the condoms and suddenly he wanted to cry. There were bottles of flavored lube sitting innocently on the shelves, and with some weird burst of nostalgia, he grabbed the cherry kind and threw it in the basket. 

His mind was flooded with memories of sticky hands and soft spoken praises, and his pulse jumped, but not for the reason he expected. There was not enough feeling in his body to become aroused, and certainly not in the middle of a corner drug store, but he still felt something, more than he had in ages. Fondness for Phil bloomed deep in his chest, and he suddenly wished desperately that he was home. He wished that things were still easy between them, and for them to be rid of the unnecessary tension that had been plaguing them for far too long.

He paid for the items, thankful that his wallet had been in his pocket from when they had gotten coffee this morning, and headed toward home. It was still raining, and he was going to look like a drowned rat by the time that he made it home, but that was okay. 

-

Phil was sitting in the lounge in almost the exact position Dan had left him, and jumped when Dan entered the lounge, arms exhausted from carrying his impromptu shopping spree home and up a billion stairs. Phil looked up, eyes wide and puffy, probably from crying, and Dan’s heart broke a little. He put the bags on the ground and tossed Phil’s jacket on the floor. He slowly made his way to where Phil was sitting, like he was approaching a caged animal.

“Hey,” he said softly, sitting down, but keeping his space in case Phil needed it. Every cell in his body wanted to rush forward and wrap his arms around Phil, but he needed to work on thinking about what other people wanted and needed, and not just taking things because he could.

“You left your phone.”

It wasn’t an accusation, but the way Dan flinched, it could have been. He glanced over to where his phone laid, screen black and blank, and then back to Phil.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I’m sorry if I worried you.”

“You’re soaked, let’s get you into a bath.” It wasn’t what Dan was expecting, and not what he knew needed to happen right now, but he followed Phil without a word. 

Phil ran the water too hot, like always, and he pulled out a clean towel and sat it on the counter.

“I’ll warm up the kettle.” 

He left Dan in the bathroom alone and Dan undressed slowly, willing himself not to cry. It didn’t really work, though. Tears streamed down his face while he climbed into the too hot water, and they kept up a steady flow the entire time he laid there. 

How much more of this could Phil put up with before he was done? He had hardly been an ideal boyfriend lately, and he knew that Phil deserved far, far better, but he was also selfish. He wanted to keep Phil to himself and away from prying eyes and nosy people. What they had was good, he knew that deep down, but things on the surface were starting to crack, and he knew that it was his fault.

-

His fingers were wrinkled and pruney when he finally crawled out of the water and into the bedroom. He supposed it was Phil’s room, but nine times out of ten, it was _their_ room. They had both agreed when they decided to take the leap and move to London that it would be best to keep separate rooms, for appearance’s sake, and in case they needed space, and Dan was ashamed to think of how often he had sulked in his room when Phil was so close nearby.

He pulled on joggers and one of Phil’s t-shirts, and for good measure, Phil’s green York hoodie. It was the only thing he wore when he felt poorly, and this was by far the worst he had felt in a long time.

Phil wasn’t in the lounge when Dan finally emerged; he was standing in the kitchen, pouring hot water into two separate cups. Dan waited until he was finished to come in, not wanting to have to make a trip to A&E just then.

“I made you tea, is that okay?”

He wasn’t looking at Dan, and it made a pit appear in his stomach. He knew that Phil had every right to be upset with him, and it was more than fair for him to not want to be around Dan, even though that was all that Dan wanted in the world.

“‘Course it is. As long as it’s not the swill you drink.” It was a bad joke, and Phil didn’t do more than lift his shoulders and let out a grunt of air. 

“Phil, please.” He wasn’t even sure what he was asking for but the last thing he could deal with right now was Phil’s cold shoulder, although he knew it was more than warranted.

“Do you want to drink this in the lounge? I think maybe we should sit down and talk.”

The words made bile rise in Dan’s throat, but he motioned to the lounge and followed Phil to it. He sat the cups down before sitting and clearing his throat, turning to Dan.

“I think maybe you should see someone.”

There it was, the inevitable break up that he had been dreading, but knew that it was probably fair. While the last thing in the entire world that he wanted was to not be with Phil, he wouldn’t keep holding Phil back if that was what he wanted.

“We’re breaking up?” 

Phil’s face turned even whiter than it already was, and his eyes became huge.

“What? Of course not!”

“But you just said that I should see someone else.” He knew that he sounded like a petulant child, but he didn’t get another chance to talk before Phil was pulling him close and wrapping his long arms around him. 

“I said that maybe you should see _someone_ , as in, like, a therapist.”

Dan recoiled from Phil’s embrace and stared at him like he was insane.

“I’m not crazy, Phil.” 

“I don’t think you’re crazy at all,” Phil said, resting a hand on Dan’s cheek. “I just think that maybe you need someone to talk to about all those things in your head that you can’t always put words to. I know there is a lot going on up there, and I know that I’m not the best person to talk to about it, but maybe having someone impartial to help you decipher some of it would help.”

He let the words sink it, thinking about them before he just blurted out his first thought. A large chunk of him knew that it was a good idea, and it would probably do him, and Phil, a lot of good, but there was a part of him that didn’t want to believe that he needed that. He was a healthy, intelligent person, and only people with real problems, not the made up ones in their head, went to therapy.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” 

“Oh, Dan, of course not.” Phil pulled him close again, and he didn’t resist this time. “I just think you need someone who is just as smart as you to talk to.”

“You’re smart.”

Phil huffed a little breath of laughter and it moved Dan’s head a little. “I promise I wasn’t fishing for a compliment, but thank you.” He pressed a kiss to Dan’s still wet hair and squeezed his middle. “I just think it would help to get all those thoughts in your head that you maybe don’t want to share with me out in the open. And that doesn’t mean you’re crazy, it just means that you would be recognizing that you might need help.”

Help. Dan recoiled a bit at the idea, but he knew deep down that if it would keep Phil with him and by his side, he would be willing to try anything.

“What if it doesn’t work and I’m still just as bad as I am now?” he asked to Phil’s jumper where his face was pressed rather than to Phil, not quite ready to look him in the eyes.

“Then we’ll figure something out. I’m gonna be here no matter what, though. I love you more than anything in the entire world, and nothing is going to change that.”

Dan started to cry. Not the dainty, calm tears from earlier; these were full on sobs that would probably ruin the fabric of Phil’s clothes, but Phil didn’t seem to mind. He just held him close while Dan cried until he didn’t have any tears left.

“Okay. I’ll try.”

Phil smiled, eyes bright for the first time in too long, and kissed him gently. It wasn’t the type of kiss that would lead anywhere, but it was full of all the love and kindness that Phil possessed, and that was exactly what Dan needed right then.

“Oh, I forgot. I got you some treats,” Dan said, leaning out of Phil’s embrace and wiping his face with the back of his hand. 

“I love treats,” Phil said, making grabby hands at the bag Dan handed him.

One by one Phil took out the items, delight written all over his features as he pulled out Haribo and chocolates and the soap. When his hands wrapped around the lube and he pulled it out, he gave Dan a questioning look.

“Nostalgia's sake, I suppose?” Dan said with a shrug.

Phil laughed, all big and boisterous, and it filled the apartment, making Dan realize how empty their flat had felt without it.

“You’re absolutely ridiculous,” Phil said, holding on to his side where a stitch must have appeared after laughing.

“Yeah, but I’m _your_ ridiculous.”

“Mmm,” Phil hummed, pulling Dan in for a long kiss. “That’s right. Always.”

The words echoed around Dan’s head, not quite filling up the hole inside of him, but enough that he knew that he could make it through this, especially if Phil was by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> like/reblog on [tumblr](http://tobieallison.tumblr.com/post/183939852136/make-me-feel-again) and view on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ta_hens/status/1113829285310021634) if you like :)


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